can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
