i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
