I feel like I'm in dance class right now
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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