I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize