He uses pillows to masturbate.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You are the jesus of drinking
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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