Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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