you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
