The best revenge is premature balding
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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