I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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