Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
