I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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