Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
