My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
