I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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