I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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