That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
