just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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