The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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