I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
