Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
