if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize