sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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