Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Randomize
