when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
