is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize