u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
