I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
