I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
