New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Two words: blizzard sex
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
