she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
