saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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