Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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