This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize