Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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