Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Alive.
So much puke
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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