i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
