I'm so fucking centered right now
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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