i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize