Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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