a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
