I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
