Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
