and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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