You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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