So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I came so hard my ears popped.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
