Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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