Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
My vagina just recognized that song.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
