I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
