Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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