If i could tip my vagina, i would.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
