Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Randomize
