dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
