Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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