Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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