i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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