I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
