if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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