Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
