Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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