I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
