no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
