You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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