Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just gift wrapped bread.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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