i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I party with great urgency now.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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