omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
