My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
